Impermanence

The other morning I was taking my sweet senior pup, Juno for a walk. We have been doing early morning walks when it is quiet and calm. She is pushing 16 now and walking at the pace of our much younger dog is a little too much for her.

The sun was rising over the houses in our neighbourhood and the colours were amazing. I took a photo. Bah, the photo did not adequately capture the beauty of the sky. Oh well, we will walk a bit further along and try again. As we walked there was just not the right shot…. But I tried anyway then realized that within that 15-minute window, the view, the colours and the light had all completely changed. Ahh right, nothing stays, this is not permanent. Things are not on my timeline, or your timeline… all we have for sure is the very moment we are currently in. I had to laugh at myself, geez Laura that is heavy for 7 am. 

Such a pretty reminder of such a hard truth. 

So when is the right time to plan for our own impermanence? When you get a terminal diagnosis? When a close friend unexpectedly dies? Usually, it is when a life event rocks you and reminds you of your impermanence, that we even begin to consider planning. I encourage you to do more than just consider planning. Reach out, I can help you get started. 

Because alas, ‘Nothing remains the same for two consecutive moments.’ -Thich Nhat Hanh

When did you first realize that you would die?

For most of us, it is tricky to remember when the reality of our mortality first found its way into our bones… If you experienced a death in your early years that first exposure likely stayed with you and framed how you view death, and in some ways life.

When I was 8 years old, I experienced my first family death. My Great Grandmother was beloved by my Mom and her four sisters. Not only was she loving and kind, but she was one of the last direct ties to their Dad who had died in their very early childhood. 

At eight years old, what did I understand from this loss?

• When someone loved dies people are sad and cry;

• When a loved one dies, you get some of their things. If you want specific people to get specific things you have to let someone know.

That was all the inspiration I needed to write out my first ‘will’. Of course, I didn’t know that was what it was called, but I was delighted to present my Mom with a list of my favourite books, with a name alongside…my sister, my little cousin, a list of which books should go to which person…You know, in case I died. I wasn’t afraid I was going to die (and clearly I didn’t grasp the permanence of death), I just wanted to make sure those books went to the right people, my people. I am sure my Mom thought I had lost my 8-year-old mind.

Those beloved books are still in my possession and it is funny to think that anyone would want my torn, taped-together children’s books with dog-chewed corners… but at one point they were the entirety of my worldly possessions and I made a plan to have them go to people I love. I have made a couple more plans since them, a little more legal in nature, but the same goes. We don’t know when our end will come, only that it will. Friends, there are many plans that can be made for your ease of mind and for the ease of those who will love you long after you are gone.

Grandma's Pearls

Did you know that the regions of your brain that manage smells, memories, and emotions are intertwined? In fact, scent can bring back memories that might never have been recovered without the smell to transport us back to that moment in time.

This is why I keep the pearls* my Grandpa gifted my Grandma on their wedding day and passed on to me to wear on mine, in the original container, in a box, in a plastic bag. Excessive? Maybe but I can open that box and the smell is EXACTLY my Grandma. It's more than just a perfume smell. It is… her. Her house, her baking, her sweat, her tears, her love, and her laundry soap. I have lots of her treasures but this is the only item that has her smell and I treasure it.

Our sense of smell is such a powerful tool and is often used at the end of life and can be as much for the benefit of the person dying as it is the those who are in the room with them.

What smells do you associate with a person or moment in time?

*They are not real pearls and it was never clear to me if she knew that or not, so I never said anything.

Planning for Death

Recently I posted this quote on Instagram, “Death is the certainty. Life is the unexpected gift.” (Jon Foreman)

It’s pretty wild, right? We get all this and the only stipulation is that one day, we will die. It is a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless. As humans we excel at avoidance behaviours... we all know this will end and yet so many don’t plan for it. No Will, no passwords, where are the bank accounts? No guide left behind for your bereft loved ones. But wait... you knew this was going to happen at some point.

It’s not fun to think about but, the irony is thinking about it won’t kill you, or bring about an untimely demise. Planning is a gift for those left behind and a reminder to you that you have this one wild and precious life.

Want to dip your toes in? Let’s chat. Zero pressure and oodles of compassion. We should all plan to die.

Pin by @copractice

Why Held & Free?

When I read this phrase in the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle, I knew this was the name I had been looking for my End of Life Doula practice.

Navigating your own death or the death of a loved one is complex at the best of times. Every death you’ve experienced before this moment, informs how you feel, act, react, and move forward. Emotions often shift and change quickly as you introduce this new reality into your day to day life.

Most people do not enjoy discussing death and avoid it if possible. However, making plans and expressing our wishes is one of the greatest gifts we can give our loved ones left behind.

Held & Free is about empowering you to make end-of-life choices for yourself or your loved one. Held & Free is gentle guidance through difficult days with a roadmap of what the next week might look like. Held & Free is about feeling supported and safe while exploring and looking bravely into the face of uncertainty, knowing someone has your back.

As an End of Life Doula, I want you and your loved ones to feel held and well-supported, with questions responded to judgment-free. If additional support is needed, I have those resources for you. Unsure about the changes you are seeing in your loved one? I will walk you through it. There is freedom in understanding and knowledge. It empowers you and can release fear and uncertainty. I want the person who is nearing the end of their life to feel at peace, and able to gracefully leave this life, knowing all will be well, and that they have been lovingly held and are now free.